Smug Nugget

Desperate times

2006-06-20T00:51:00.000-05:00

Wow. Ten whole days without a nugget (thanks for reminding me, anonymous). I feel all plugged up. I need an cognitive enema, mui subido.

Blame it on the job hunt, which consumes whatever spare time I have. I wasn't kidding when I said my job sucks ass, but looking for a new one might actually be worse. My fear is that, deep down, I'm really just lazy -- too lazy to give a new job a fair shot. I find it much easier to bitch and make excuses.

Even when I find a position of interest, I manage to talk myself out of applying for the job. Too much work. Not enough work. Not enough money. Too close to what I do now.

So here I am. It's been a month and I've yet to apply for a single position. Of course, it took me three weeks just to update my resume; even so, I just browse the same search engines and websites day in and day out, with all the enthusiasm of a cat stretched out on it's back, pawing listlessly at its own tail.

Sigh.

Sorry readers, but the light posting is likely to continue until the situation is resolved. Particularly since I have to endure a wretched two-day office retreat (blech) later this week. To reward myself for good behavior, I'll subsequently be leaving town for several days. Destination: No computer.

In the meantime, I'll do my best, although I can't make any promises.

Nugs and kisses.

Great Tits

2006-06-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

This is so not a joke. And yes, the fact that I'm posting on it is utterly juvenile.

Apparently there is a whole species of birds called Great Tits, common throughout Europe and Asia in any sort of woodland. According to a birding website called Breeding Birds of the Wider Countryside (and I quote): "Great Tits have increased steadily since the 1960s, with the exception of two brief periods of stability or shallow decline during the mid 1970s and late 1980s. Recent CBC/BBS and BBS results suggest that this increase is continuing, in all UK countries. A positive effect of more food provision in gardens during winter is one possible explanation for the increase."

Personally, I attribute the increase in Great Tits to fashion magazines, the modeling industry, male libido, the cosmetics industry and consumerism, but what do I know.

If you're interested in the legitimate headline that put Great Tits in the news today, click here. Otherwise, feel free to continue experimenting with fun innuendo.

Cock-a-doodle-don't

2006-06-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

Boneheads like Tom Brokaw are pretty quick to romanticize the past, but truth be told, our great-grandparents may not have had it so great after all. Oh, if these balls could talk.

According to an online article about the history of masturbation, the tackle on this guy's pole is called "The Cage." It was just one of over 30 anti-masturbation devices awarded patents by the the U.S. Patent Office between 1856 and 1932. Amazingly, the Cage was a relatively gentle means of taming teenage lust. It allowed erections, but prevented the boy from touching himself.

Other inventors weren't quite as kind. Consider for example the Stephenson Spermatic Truss, patented in 1876. This device placed the penis in a pouch, then stretched and tied down it between the legs, making erection impossible. Stephenson changed his device slightly 21 years later, adding a metal hood under which the penis could move freely. Any erection would drive the penis against painful spikes.

Then there was the Bowen Device, a cup placed over the head of the penis and attached to pubic hair by chains and clips. When the wearer got an erection, the pubic hair would be plucked painfully and the wearer would have to respond.

Yikes. Funny that these accoutrements have since been appropriated by the kinky and/or deviant for much more scandalous business than masturbation. I can only imagine what Drs. Stephenson and Bowen would have fashioned for the masturbating cat. The mind reels.

Monkey business

2006-06-08T00:33:00.000-05:00

Smug's twisted sister, Nugget Maven, has unearthed a new cyber-treasure. First, she introduced us to the Shock Absorber Bounce-ometer, and now, Mr. Monkey Chow -- aka, Adam Scott.

As Nugget Maven reports, this poor bastard has dared ask the question: Can a human subsist on a diet of nutritionally complete monkey pellets? He's on day five of his seven-day plan, and neither Adam nor his bowels are faring particularly well.

If the concept alone doesn't interest you, perhaps his silly Canadian accent will. Nothing better than listening to a Canuck repeat words like "poop" while gagging on food that's not fit for a prisoner. Check out Monkey Man's blog for more info; or, for the better version, go straight to the Monkey Chow Diaries on You Tube. To make it easy on you, here's a shortcut to his latest video update:

The Ass Shot Blogger

2006-06-07T20:27:00.000-05:00

This one's for my brother, who traffics in cultural peculiarities and run-of-the-mill smut.

Smug would like to introduce her readers to the Ass Shot Blogger, with whom you may or may not already be acquainted. The bare-bottomed buckaroo has become such an attraction at Manhattan's Mr. Black that regular patrons and visiting celebrities (see Alan Cumming at left) have begun Kodaking their encounters and posting the images online.

Though he has been identified as a cocktail waiter, the ass-flasher in question has yet to be named. He appears to be wearing a tuxedo vest and some sort apron, which is remarkably less disturbing than the fact that he has a more delicate derriere than most women I know. Check out Ass Shot for the goodies. And to my dear brother: If this doesn't entertain you at work, I don't know what will.

Breaking: You Tube Hacked!

2006-06-02T00:10:00.000-05:00

And by someone who doesn't speak particularly good English. Just went to check out some new video from my pals at You Tube only to stumble across the message at left.

Very strange, no? Smug can only presume that the site has been hacked. Probably by the same guy who calls my apartment every Saturday at noon and swears in a thick Bengali accent that his name is Chris Jones while trying to sell me faster internet access.

Sorry, Chris. Still not interested.

UPDATE: From the horse's mouth.

Dynamite Speller

2006-06-01T21:34:00.000-05:00

In honor of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, broadcast tonight on prime-time television for the first time in its 79-year history. Although the clip doesn't derive from this year's competition, it's worth watching again. After all, Hollywood has been churning out movies about these kids for the past two years. It's reassuring to know that the kids themselves are actually watching movies like Napoleon Dynamite, even if they opt to see Spellbound first.

Dead wrong

2006-06-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

In today's world, most people have come to expect a certain level of ignorance and aggravation. We assume that the cable guy will be three hours late, if he shows up at all; we aren't surprised when the insurance company tries to screw us out of our medical coverage. We tolerate these little setbacks and indignities every single day, because we know that when it comes to the issues that are really critical -- matters of life and death -- the people we depend on will come through for us.

After all, this is the 21st century. Plumbers may still let their buttcracks hang out, but they also have a lot of fancy new gadgets to help them fix the sink, right?

So forgive me, readers, but I'm going to need a little help understanding how a coroner manages to misidentify the dead. Not because I assume it is an easy job, but because I expect the individual that declares a 22-year-old girl died in a car crash to have checked his work before destroying her family with the news.

So here's the story (via the Washington Post): [Laura] VanRyn, 22, and [Whitney] Cerak were among 10 students and staff members riding in a university van when it was hit by a tractor-trailer that crossed the median of Interstate 69 on April 26. Five people were killed, including a woman everyone thought was Cerak.

VanRyn's relatives stood vigil at the woman's bed at a rehabilitation center in Grand Rapids. The family kept a blog in which they detailed the many small steps she made toward recovery: feeding herself applesauce, playing Connect Four with a therapist.

But as her condition improved, the two families gradually realized that the young woman was not VanRyn after all.

She replied "Whitney" several times in recent days after VanRyn's parents addressed her as "Laura," Spectrum Health spokeswoman Anne Veltema said. During a recent therapy session, staff members asked her to write her name, and she scrawled "Whitney Cerak."

The Grant County, Ind., coroner's office apologized for the error on Wednesday. Coroner Ron Mowery said students had identified the survivor as VanRyn but no scientific testing was conducted.

Call me naive, but in an accident involving so many victims, isn't "better safe than sorry" a wiser policy? The story does not indicate whether or not the girls shared the same blood type, only that both were blond and had similar features.

One thing is certain: Because the good doc decided to leave the DNA testing to Maury Povich and Jerry Springer, the VanRyn family will have to exhume and re-inter their daughter, Laura, after five weeks of waiting to bring her home. In the meantime, Mowery might want to consider a career change. We hear the cable company is hiring.

Two thumbs down!

2006-06-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

The Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that our hometown hero, renowned film critic Roger Ebert, will have surgery June 16 -- two days before his 64th birthday -- to remove a cancerous growth on his salivary gland.

"It is not life threatening, and I expect to make a full recovery," he said. "I'll continue to function as a film critic during this time."

Ebert had surgery to remove a malignant tumor on his thyroid gland in 2002 and two surgeries on his salivary gland in 2003.

Unlike those earlier procedures, he is not expected to require radiation therapy this time.

"This is known as a slow growing and persistent cancer," he said. "You live with it."

His THIRD bout of cancer??? Hope it's not something in the popcorn. Either way, we wish him a speedy recovery.

Da Vinci Code II: Namibian Princess

2006-05-30T19:27:00.000-05:00

So Dark the Con of Man. The son of God and the prostitute did have a child, and it's name is Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Sources say the baby girl was born via C-section in Namibia on Saturday. Mother and child are in good health; the couple is thrilled; the doctor says "blah blah blah"; and paparazzi are fighting for pictures.

But the real story is in the Freebrew (French/Hebrew) moniker, Shiloh Nouvel. The Hebrew Shiloh denotes peaceful one -- a title generally reserved for the Messiah, and the French Nouvel means new. Translation: New Messiah. A fitting choice for parents with a God complex, who also enjoy x-rated Biblical role-play.

My favorite part is that Ange opted to use her own name as a template. Apparently two names + two languages = profound baby name.

Angelina (Angel in Italian) + Jolie (Pretty en francais) = Pretty Angel.
Shiloh (Messiah in Hebrew) + Nouvel (New en francais) = New Messiah.

Awww. It's just about perfect -- until you stick a "Pitt" at the end. Maybe Brad will change his surname to "Puit" for the sake of consistency.

Time Out New York

2006-05-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the shortage of posts, but Smug's been on holiday in New York for the past five days, sans computer. On the upside, I've got a lot to talk about, including a reader run-in and a near-perfect pastrami sandwich. But first things first.

A summary of the trip:

1. Check-in. Not at a hotel, as one would imagine, but at an apartment, rented via craigslist through an anonymous apartment owner in the fabulous West Village. Readers be advised: A craigslist search yields cheap and viable alternatives to $300-a-night hotels and allows you to pick and choose your location. This was news to me. A friend and former New Yorker turned me on to the concept, and it was definitely worth the effort.

2. Katz's Deli. My first visit, and considering it's a tourist hot-spot (a result of Meg Ryan's infamous faux-orgasm in When Harry Met Sally), I was more than pleasantly surprised. Nothing beats a hand-carved pound of lean and salty beef.

3. L'il Frankie's. 1st at 1st. Cheap, decent.

4. Sighting: Friends with Money. Catching up is always more fun when you're not poor, which leads me to believe said friends enjoyed the encounter a lot more than I did.

5. Bounce Deuce. Weird name. Memorable only because a friend fondled the waitress and they put a cherry in my stoli raz.

6. Drunk sex. Woke up in the middle. The standing lay did not seem to notice his girl was TKO. Alarming.

7. Bubby's. Tribeca. Sour cream pancakes should not be missed.

8. Lady Liberty and Ellis Island. A long day. Not for the faint of heart. If you've got immigrant ancestors, it is definitely worth the trip; otherwise, you won't enjoy much more than a crowded boat ride and a closer peek at Lady Liberty's man hands.

9. Sighting: Tranny in a baby doll dress. East Village, natch. The skirt was just long enough to cover the belly button, leaving panties fully exposed. Love. It.

10. Alberto's. Best pizza in the city. Houston and Thompson.

11. Freeman's. Lower East Side. Tasty, but snotty-fancy. No skim milk or decaffeinated coffee? Please.

12. Reader Run-In. If you have an opinion about this blog, leave a comment. Otherwise, suck a fart out of my asshole.

In conclusion: New York still looks and smells like a giant armpit. Although I did get in a little shopping and some much-needed quality time with a few good friends, I still managed to catch a debilitating mystery virus, which I resent more than the dozen-or-so puddles of urine I stepped in while walking in flip-flops.

Missed you loyal readers, and hope you enjoyed your long weekend. While I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, I am glad to be back in my hometown Chicago.

Pat Robertson can kick God's ass

2006-05-25T00:41:00.000-05:00

Need more proof that the testy televangelist is batshit crazy? My friend Sandwich was kind enough to update me on Robinson's latest scam. For years the irreverent reverend has been telling us that his prayers prevent hurricanes; now he's trying to sell the notion that he can leg press a small elephant. The following load of crap comes directly from his website:

"Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds? How does he do it? Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?

One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients. Discover what kinds of natural ingredients make up Pat's protein shake by registering for your FREE booklet today!"

As Sandwich points out, that would mean a 76-year-old man broke the all-time Florida State University leg press record of 1,335 pounds. That's a 665 pound difference folks. And apparently the poor young lad who pulled off the paltry 1,335 pound press burst the capillaries in his eyeballs.

The fact that Robertson is using the claim to hock a protein shake makes me want to burst a few of his capillaries. Age-defying my ass. The man doesn't look a day younger than 80. I'm just surprised he's not trying to convince us that God gave him the recipe.

My job sucks ass

2006-05-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

My boss is a gigantic asshole and, quite frankly, I am sick and tired of his shit. After an organizational realignment (correction: upheaval) last month, Bossman (or BM, as I like to call him) has taken great pains to avoid me around the office; not because I'm fired, but because he stuck me with the shortest end of the very shortest stick. So short, in fact, that I could use it as a toothpick, or in a perfect world, as a teeny tiny arrow to shoot into his eye using a crudely fashioned bow made from rubberbands and paper clips.

I have unofficially begun the countdown to "Smell Ya Later"; unfortunately, I have yet to find another job. Since I am sick to death of working the corporate nine-to-five, I am currently considering the following alternatives, which are neither glamorous, nor lucrative:

1. Unprofessional photographer
2. Street-corner mime
3. eBay racketeer
4. Treasure hunter
5. Panhandler
6. Ass sucker (see photo, above)
7. Freelance writer/editor
8. Graduate student/barista at international coffee franchise

I have my personal favorites, but am open to reader feedback and/or suggestions. I am also accepting gifts of cash, food, and beverage. Alcohol is preferred.

Jodie Foster busts a rhyme

2006-05-17T15:33:00.000-05:00

At Penn's 250th Commencement last weekend, guest speaker Jodie Foster treated graduates to her shower-hour rendition of Eminem's "Lose Yourself."

Why, Jodie? Why?

Perhaps she thought it would appeal to her audience; perhaps she harbors a hidden desire to break into the rap biz. Either way, it was embarrassing.

On the Smug Spectrum of humilation, we give it a solid 8, situating it somewhere between getting caught picking your nose and walking in on your parents having sex.

Hillary rips whole generation a new one, and AOL asks tough questions

2006-05-16T06:18:00.000-05:00

I love AOL news -- the McJournalism of today's electronic media. They are reporting today on Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's apology to young people everywhere, after telling an audience that our generation thinks "work is a four-letter word."

The apology was precipitated by her daughter, Chelsea, who called to complain after learning about the comments.

"She called and she said, 'Mom, I do work hard and my friends work hard,"' Clinton said Sunday.

"I said, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to convey the impression that you don't work hard,"' Clinton said Sunday in a commencement address at Long Island University. "I just want to set the bar high, because we are in a competition for the future."

Clinton spoke to more than 2,000 graduates days after she criticized young people at a gathering of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Washington. In those remarks, she said young people have a sense of entitlement after growing up in a "culture that has a premium on instant gratification."

Take it up with Bill, Hill; or at least come up with a little hipper idiom. I mean, our grandparents' parents were telling them they think work is a four-letter word, and as far as I know, their President wasn't getting "instant gratification" from interns in the Oval Office.

Anyway, AOL is apparently so riveted by the story that they are polling readers on the stupidest question ever -- whether or not they think work is in fact a four-letter word.

Ummm, yes AOL. It is definitely a four-letter word; and for your sake, you better hope that your readers agree.

Stalker

2006-05-15T22:29:00.000-05:00

Smug has a new stalker, and she wants him to know how much she appreciates the worship.

The stalker thinks I'm hot and generally spends about 30 minutes browsing my blog every night. He is a local, which--although flattering--is a little bit unnerving; and he appears to be a student or professional at the University of Illinois Chicago.

To answer your question, anonymous stalker, I am not single, although I am hot. I have been married for about a year and a half (which you would know, had you done your research).

While I appreciate your interest, I should tell you that my I have no intention of abandoning the standing lay, come hell or highwater. First of all, he is hotter than I am, so we will undoubtedly have beautiful children. Secondly, he is outstanding in bed. Just ask our neighbors.

Thanks for the flattery, and please do come back to visit. But this pussy is staying put. Just so you know.

How do you like them Apples?

2006-05-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

Apple continues to work the holy trinity of twenty-first century advertising: that is, young, hip and quirky (with a hint of sass). Though minimalist, their new campaign is all three, and then some; and like Volkswagen's recent Unpimp My Ride series, Apple's "I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC" ads are all over the internet.

The target demographic is obvious: PC (played by former literary agent, John Hodgman) is a dorky old white guy in a washed-out wool blazer; while Mac (personified by cutie Justin Long, of Ed and Dodgeball fame) is the laid-back college kid in hipslung jeans and a fitted tee. It's a familiar formula, no matter how you break it down: old vs. young; trite vs. fresh; programmed vs. creative; provincial vs. cultured. It may be fun to watch, but does it have impact?

Like the drunk girl at prom, advertisers are desperate to be loved, and though we may go for it (if she's hot enough), we also see right through it. This explains the rash of online spoofs that inevitably follows each new campaign -- a little game of "We love you, but you can't fool us" that spawns a viral battlefield of audio and video nonsense. The "I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC" ads are, of course, no exception, and the detractors, in this case, are as good (maybe better) than the originals.

If you haven't seen the spoofs, you can check them out here. I like them apples. I like 'em a lot.

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you

2006-05-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

Poor Tommy C. He just can't get a break! Days after "Mission: Impossible III" opened to lower-than-expected domestic ticket sales, a USA Today/Gallup poll is lending a little insight into just how much his formerly adoring public now hates him.

Reuters is reporting that only 35 percent of the 1,013 adults surveyed registered a favorable opinion of Cruise, while 51 percent had an unfavorable opinion. That's a major turnaround from last year. When "War of the Worlds" opened in summer 2005, his poll ratings were 58 percent favorable and 31 percent unfavorable.

USA Today reported that Cruise's popularity decline with women was especially sharp, slipping from a 56 percent favorable rating in 2005 to 35 percent now.

But here's the best part.

The Reuters piece (inappropriately titled "Hollywood friends rally around Tom Cruise") insists that "powerful Hollywood friends of Tom Cruise rallied to his defense on Wednesday as a new poll suggested the actor's odd behavior in recent months may have cost him millions of dollars at the box office."

Hmmmm. Powerful friends. Who might those be? Steven Spielberg, perhaps? Maybe Ron Howard? MI:3 Co-star and recent Oscar winner Philip Seymour Hoffman? Paul Newman, with whom Cruise has previously worked?

Oh, no. Not even close.

"Tom Cruise is one of the most important stars ever in the motion picture business," Universal Studios President Ron Meyer, a close friend and former agent, told Reuters.

"It's the biggest non-holiday opening for a Tom Cruise movie ever, and the third-biggest in the history of his movies," said longtime producing partner, Paula Wagner. "His career has spanned over 20 years of powerful, culture-reflecting and culture-changing films."

"The media overexposes him, and then turns around and asks the question: 'Is he overexposed?', which is kind of ironic," Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson told Reuters.

Gee. How . . . convincing. Way to break out the big guns, Tommy Boy, by getting all the people who profit from your success to tell the world how much you mean to them.

The Inside Scoop on Conan in Chicago

2006-05-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

If you have tickets to see Conan in Chicago this week, there are a few things you need to know about the when, where and how of getting in.

The basics:

1. Bring documentation. Whether you got tickets via email, or won them in a promotional game, bring the paperwork. They will ask to see it.

2. Get there early. Taping is scheduled for 4:30. Ticket holders are told to arrive by 3:15. The line was several blocks long by 1:00.

3. Have all guests present. Showing up solo isn't a dealbreaker, but some were asked to wait on the sidelines until all in their party had arrived. Since protocol was inconsistent, I recommend you play it safe, if possible.

4. Be prepared to wait. Bring your iPod, a book, a beverage, a snack. Whatever will get you through.

5. Go potty first. Bathroom breaks are not permitted once taping begins. Relieve yourself early, or pay for it later.

6. Don't panic. The line is long, and terribly intimidating. Do not fear. We thought we were done for, and we ended up with great seats.

A broader overview. There are three separate lines: one for general admission (i.e. people who got their tickets via email); one for Pontiac promotional winners; and one for standbys. Promotional ticket winners are pretty much guaranteed admission, so I will not go into to detail. I also have little advice for ticket hopefuls in the standby line, although I do wish you luck.

The majority of guests will be corralled into the general admission line, which begins at the Northeast corner of State and Lake. Be prepared to cough up a copy of the email you received from NBC before getting in line, and if possible make sure all guests are present. If you are planning to go early and hold a place in line for a spouse or friend, be warned: You may be asked to sit on the sidelines.

The line will be subdivided at seemingly random intervals. If you are not in the top tier, don't worry. It is simply their mechanism for checking guests in. Once the first group has received tickets and wristbands (you will receive both, and need both to gain entry), they admit the second group, and the third, and so on until tickets are gone.

After you receive a wristband and ticket, be prepared to wait. And wait some more. And then wait a little longer. Admission is scheduled for 3:15, but the line didn't really start moving until closer to 4:00. Use the opportunity to use the bathroom, because you won't have access to restrooms inside the theater.

The most ambitious guests got in line at 9:00 AM, but don't fret if you don't get there until after noon. I wouldn't wait until 3:15, but if you get there by 2:00, you will probably get in. The handlers may try to scare you, but rest assured, NBC issued just enough tickets to ensure a full house. The goal is not to cheat fans out of a seat.

Additional questions will be enthusiastically answered via email or comment. Enjoy the show folks! It is worth the wait!

The Blaine Game

2006-05-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

David Blaine was NOT drowned alive, as ABC promised, and while Smug is happy to take the opportunity to ridicule the media spectacle surrounding the stunt, she must admit, she is in awe of Blaine's effort.

If there is such a thing as empathic suffocation, I just experienced it. The finale is over, and I am short of breath. I feel like I'm going to puke, and I desperately need a cocktail. The feeling is almost . . . post-coital.

That crazy son of a bitch was about to drown, and it was no illusion! After spending a week underwater and holding his breath for a solid seven minutes, Blaine was visibly shaken by his underwater experience: his body seized; his lips turned blue; and as the support staff dove in to rescue him, there was actually a moment when I wasn't sure he'd make it.

Who knew death defying stunts could be such a turn on. I would totally hit that sh*t, despite his pruny fingers. Damn soggy, sexy bastard.

Bush's first choice for CIA Director

2006-05-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

The President thought Goss to Floss seemed a natural transition, but the administration feared the public would find his line too hard to swallow.

Nugget of the Week

2006-05-08T10:40:00.000-05:00

David Blaine is soggy, and, like a sheet of toilet paper that has soaked too long in the bowl, he is starting to dissolve: the skin has been peeling from his hands for days, and now his muscles are starting to atrophy.

The illusionist/performance artist has been living in a water-filled sphere at Lincoln Center for almost a week to ready himself for the even grander feat of holding his breath underwater for nine minutes.

Yesterday Blaine told an ABC News reporter: "I think the time has started to really take its toll on my body. It has started to become horrific in many, many ways . . . Every muscle doesn't just ache, it feels like a sharp, shooting pain, like a knife being stabbed." Sources now say that Blaine's declining health has called the stunt's feasibility into question.

Whether these reports are true, or just additional attempts to drum up publicity for tonight's highly-anticipated finale, Blaine certainly deserves credit for living like a goldfish, not to mention peeing through a tube in front of millions of gawkers, who see you at twice your normal size (thanks to the magic of refraction).

Take a look at his hands if you haven't seen them already. Kinda makes you wonder what's going on with his willy.

Democrats pledge probes of Bush

2006-05-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

This one's for you, Sandwich.

According to Reuters online today, Democrats plan to launch a series of investigations of the Bush administration if they take control of Congress in November, although they are not out to impeach President George W. Bush.

House of Representatives Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi said Democrats would hold hearings on the use of intelligence in the lead-up to the Iraq war and investigate the high price of energy and prescription drugs if they win the extra 15 seats they need for a House majority in the mid-term elections.

But Pelosi denied Republican claims that her party would move quickly to impeach Bush.

"I said we'd be having hearings on the war, we'd have hearings. But I don't see us going to a place of impeachment," Pelosi said in an interview on NBC's Meet the Press. "Investigation does not equate to impeachment. Investigation is the requirement of Congress. It is about checks and balances."

Clearly Pelosi wants a massive probe. As do I. As does Sandwich.

How Opal Mehta got plagiarized and lost a book deal

2006-05-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

I would not begrudge any writer the opportunity to be published and paid for his or her work (a rare circumstance, in our business). This is why -- despite my previous post -- I feel compelled to comment on the plight of Kaavya Viswanathan, who is probably on the verge of blowing her brains out over the recent controversy surrounding her first novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life.

As in the case of James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, the public has put the full onus on the author, as opposed to the publisher, which is about as fair as firing the summer intern for mismanaging your money.

I don't dispute the fact that a writer should be held accountable for his or her words and choices. But the plight of the author is that authorship is often misinterpreted by the public as authority, which is not entirely true. Authors have to answer to an editor and/or publisher, just as the rest of us peons have to answer to whatever asshole we work for.

While there is no excuse for plagiarism or for misrepresenting the authenticity of a "memoir," the reality is that we live in a world where these boundaries may be poorly defined--particularly when sales figures are a factor. Truth and fiction are not always black and white categories, and the line between "inspiration" and "plagiarism" may be subject to interpretation.

So when an author is 19 years old, and she is young and previously unpublished, is it her responsibility to interpret these boundaries? Or is it the responsibility of the individual and/or corporation that employs her? Probably a little of both.

Either way, she's lost her book deal, and may have to return her reported six-figure advance. Looks like my not-so-secret wish to screw Viswanathan out of her success has been granted. Watch out y'all. Smug can make things happen just by blogging about them.

Operation Shock and Awe

2006-05-02T19:49:00.000-05:00

Stephen Colbert has some balls. I've never been a huge fan, although I did enjoy some of his work on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is usually funny, but generally more silly than satirical, which is what made his speech at last weekend's White House Correspondents Dinner as shocking as it was brilliant.

Never before has a comedian (and not a particularly famous one, at that) so brazenly mocked our nation's President TO HIS FACE and in the company of his peers.

Bush, it seems, had planned to be the event's show-stealer by bringing in a doppelganger to poke fun at himself. Unfortunately, the average-at-best look-alike couldn't hold a candle to Colbert, whose scathing remarks cut straight to the heart of many of this presidency's most controversial issues.

Like or dislike the jokes, you know a comedian is pushing the envelope when he polarizes his audience. Some laughed so hard they cried; others sat quiet and expressionless, arms crossed across their chests in silent allegiance to the President. Bush tried to save face with stoicism. He did not laugh; he did not scowl. He just glared at Colbert like a mob boss, as if daring him to continue. I'm no puss, but I would have wet my pants in a heartbeat. Colbert, on the other hand, kept going. And going. And going.

I might not believe the shit he said, if I hadn't seen it myself. Thank God I did. Cringing through tears of laughter is an incredibly satisfying experience.

See the unforgettable footage here: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. You should have a pillow or cushion handy. You'll need something to catch your jaw when it hits the floor.

One lucky bitch

2006-05-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

Who's got tickets to see Conan? Smug does!

Smug's pretend boyfriend, Conan O'Brien, is coming to Chicago to tape four shows in early May and I got tickets! Apparently NBC received more than 70,000 requests for about 15,000 spots. You know what that means: Only special people allowed.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game.

Stalk much?

2006-05-01T17:13:00.000-05:00

Chicago's lakefront is the best part of living here. Miles and miles of open space drape the city like a shawl and serve residents as both park and beach, depending on where you stop. Southern stretches are lined with trees and rich green grass, while the North side is mostly sand. They are distinct and separate spaces, strung together by a narrow winding path, which runs from the city's northern enclaves to its southern suburbs.

I was jogging north along this path last week, when I passed another runner headed south, who looked a lot like a guy I knew in college. It was a very surreal moment. Time slowed down. I felt caught for a moment between past and present. I realized I was STARING like an asshole at his face, trying to absorb every feature and make some sort of comparison, based on a spotty history and an unreliable memory, while I asked myself the following questions:

Was it him or wasn't it? Jogging causes bouncing and sweating, both of which can obscure perspective.

Did he see me? Would he remember me if he did? Perhaps he would recognize me, but not remember. In which case, he might be asking himself his own set of questions as he continued south along the shore.

The most perplexing question was, of course, "Should I turn around and run after him?" I concluded (almost) immediately that doing a 180 mid-run to catch up to another jogger (possibly a stranger) and tap him on the shoulder in the middle of his own workout would not only be inappropriate, but also weird and creepy.

Instead I opted for the less conspicious but still weird and creepy tactic, which involved spending the better part of my lunch hour today Googling his ass. And for the love of Google, there he was. I was right. He is in Chicago.

It wouldn't be so strange if I hadn't attended school in another part of the country. I went to college out East, and in my experience people from New England avoid the Midwest like the plague. So why was he here? Why now?

Why else? School. The only thing that can draw native New Englanders in from either coast.

The exercise inspired me to spend some time searching other old friends and acquaintances from the days of yore. It was incredible, or to quote a dear friend: "Best. Game. Ever."

I hadn't thought about some of these people in years, and suddenly, they were back in my life without their even knowing it. One is a web designer in New York; another a History teacher at a private high school out East. I found quite a few of them on MySpace (am I the only person NOT on MySpace?) and a few more through University web pages.

Anyway, this longwinded post is really just a consequence of spending too many hours staring at the computer screen, and I have nothing more to say. Except that Google rocks. And so does stalking old friends from high school and college.

What once was lost . . .

2006-05-01T16:50:00.000-05:00

Here I am! Sorry to friends and readers for my week-long absence. All is well in the world of Smug. I was -- how shall I say it -- detained? by other projects.

The full explanation is as follows:

My standing lay is a doctor. Correction -- a medical resident, which technically makes him a doctor, but really, he's more like a small child. He is often cranky. He needs to be fed and rocked to sleep during odd hours of the day. He has trouble articulating what exactly he needs, which often causes him to become visibly upset, even red in the face.

Lucky for Smug, she loves the poor bastard, although it often means much compromise. This past week has been especially difficult. Oh, the places he's been. IF ONLY I COULD BLOG ABOUT THEM. I would have a bizillion readers.

Anyway, the case of the missing Smug is solved. She was simply tending to her train-wreck of a spouse. Boring explanation, isn't it?

I want a massive probe

2006-04-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

The Los Angeles Times is reporting today that the Federal Communications Commission on Wednesday launched formal investigations into pay-for-play practices at four of the nation's largest radio corporations, the biggest federal inquiry into radio bribery since the congressional payola hearings of 1960.

Their first clue: excessive airplay of songs by Jessica Simpson.
Their second clue: excessive airplay of songs by Ashlee Simpson.
Their third clue: ANY airplay of songs by Lindsay Lohan.

Shall I continue???

Two FCC officials with direct knowledge of the matter confirmed that the agency had requested documents from Clear Channel Communications Inc., CBS Radio Inc., Entercom Communications Corp. and Citadel Broadcasting Corp. over allegations that radio programmers had received cash, checks, clothing and other gifts in exchange for playing certain songs without revealing the deals to listeners, a violation of federal rules.

The FCC's action comes amid New York Atty. Gen. Eliot Spitzer's pay-for-play probe, launched in 2004, which has alleged wrongdoing by both music and radio companies. In February, Spitzer sued Entercom, alleging that high-ranking executives had implemented scams to trade cash for airplay of songs by such artists as Avril Lavigne, Liz Phair and others.

Entercom has denied the allegations. The other three radio companies are also under investigation by Spitzer, who has shared his evidence with the FCC.

It's about time someone figured out what the hell is motivating radio stations to play such tripe. Kiss my grits Britney Spears.

Hu's on the White House Lawn

2006-04-20T14:48:00.000-05:00

Bush: Look Dick. You're the Vice-President. You must know all the world leaders.

Cheney: I certainly do.

Bush: Well you know I've never met most of them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who runs what.

Cheney: I'll tell you their names, George, but you know it seems to me they give these world leaders now-a-days very peculiar names.

Bush: You mean funny names?

Cheney: Strange names . . . like Mwai Kibaki.

Bush: Your whatty?

Cheney: Mwai Kibaki, the President of Kenya.

Bush: Oh.

Cheney: Let's see. Who else should you know? Putin's in Russia, Chirac's in France, Hu's in China . . .

Bush: That's what I want to find out. I heard that last one's coming to visit today.

Cheney: I said Hu's in China.

Bush: You do lots of business with those Chinese folk, don't ya?

Cheney: Yes.

Bush: And you don't know the President's name?

Cheney: Of course I do.

Bush: Well then who's the President in China?

Cheney: Yes.

Bush: I mean the fellow's name.

Cheney: Hu.

Bush: The President in China.

Cheney: Hu.

Bush: The Chinese President

Cheney: Hu.

Bush: The guy running . . .

Cheney: Hu is the President in China!

Bush: I'm asking YOU who's President.

Cheney: That's the man's name.

Bush: That's who's name?

Cheney: Yes.

Bush: Well go ahead and tell me.

Cheney: That's it.

Bush: That's who?

Cheney: Yes.

PAUSE

Bush: Look, you told me I gotta talk to somebody today about reducing a huge trade surplus. It's who?

Cheney: Naturally.

Bush: Who?

Cheney: Naturally.

Bush: Naturally?

Cheney: Naturally.

Bush: So I'll be meeting with Naturally.

Cheney: No, you'll be meeting with Hu.

Bush: Naturally.

Cheney: That's different.

Bush: That's what I said.

Cheney: You're not saying it.

Bush: I am meeting with Naturally.

Cheney: You are meeting with Hu.

Bush: Naturally.

Cheney: That's it.

Bush: That's what I said!

Cheney: You ask me.

Bush: I am meeting with who?

Cheney: Naturally.

Bush: Now you ask me.

Cheney: You are meeting with Hu?

Bush: Naturally.

Cheney: That's it.

Bush: Sweet.

Dirty Birdy

2006-04-20T10:58:00.000-05:00

Note to the ladies out there: If a strange old man rings your doorbell and offers to feel you up for free, best not to let him in. Call me CRAZY but he may be some sort of pervert.

Reuters is reporting today that a 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said.

The woman then phoned the Broward County Sheriff's Office and the suspect fled. He was arrested at another woman's apartment in the same Lauderdale Lakes neighborhood on Wednesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.

The white-haired suspect, Philip Winikoff, carried a black bag and claimed to be visiting on behalf of a local hospital.

"He told the woman that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams," sheriff's spokesman Hugh Graf said in a statement.

At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said.

Winikoff was not a doctor, Graf said. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership.

The Adventures of Faux Fetus and the Mechanical Vagine

2006-04-19T18:55:00.000-05:00

It's one thing to read it, QUITE another to see it. Holy scary! Scary Toy Clown already did the work, so I'll just direct you to the post.

It contains excellent blog footage of Noelle, a lifelike, pregnant robot complete with faux fetus and fully operational plastic vagine.

According to the Associated Press, Noelle is being used in increasing numbers of medical schools and hospital maternity wards. The full-sized, blond, pale mannequin is in demand because medicine is rapidly abandoning centuries-old training methods that use patients as guinea pigs, turning instead to high-tech simulations. Apparently, it's better to make a mistake on a $20,000 robot than a live patient.

Noelle can be programmed for a variety of complications and for cervix dilation. She can labor for hours and produce a breach baby or unexpectedly give birth in a matter of minutes.

She ultimately delivers a plastic doll that can change colors, from a healthy pink glow to the deadly blue of oxygen deficiency. The baby mannequin is wired to flash vital signs when hooked up to monitors. The computerized mannequins also emit realistic pulse rates and can urinate and breathe.

Sick.

Sigh

2006-04-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

As much as these stories inspire, they also make me feel like doody. After all, I am several years older than Ms. Viswanathan, and all I've got to show for myself is this stinkin' blog.

According to the Associated Press, 19-year-old Harvard University sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan's debut novel is on the shelves at last. It wasn't supposed to come out for another three weeks, the AP reports, which is why the author herself was surprised to stumble across a display in her college bookstore.

"I started to hyperventilate, and I burst into tears," said Viswanathan, who has signed a two book deal with Little, Brown and Co. reportedly worth about $500,000. Viswanathan has also sold the movie rights of her first novel to DreamWorks.

Her 320-page book titled "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life" tells the story of Opal, a hard-driving young woman who earns all A's in high school but gets rejected from Harvard because she forgot to have a social life.

Of her newfound success, Viswanathan remarked: "I mean I always wanted to be a writer eventually, but I wasn't ever really thinking like in terms of this young . . . I mean I always fantasized about when I'm 30, I'll go become a British citizen and win the Man Booker award."

Krikey. Girl's got an agent, a half-million dollar book deal, and probably a Range Rover to boot. Now she wants a freaking Booker Prize.

When Smug imagines herself at 30, she dreams of working in government so she can thwart Viswanathan's dreams of becoming a British citizen and winning the Booker.

Sadly, I will probably not be in government, but instead will be standing in line at my local Barnes & Noble, waiting to get this young woman's autograph on a copy of her prize-winning new novel.

Keep Katie Quiet

2006-04-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

Sooooo addictive. Thanks Jared for the link.

Wiggle and Jigglin' Spree

2006-04-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

I'm about to jump out my window because I cannot get the profoundly irritating new Jello commercial out of my head -- you know, the one with the dancing boy and a couple kids dressed like a cow?

"Jiggle and a Wigglin' free, in a Wiggle and a Jigglin' spree."
"Jiggle and a Wigglin' free, in a Wiggle and a Jigglin' spree."
"Jiggle and a Wigglin' free, in a Wiggle and a Jigglin' spree."

I have not been so haunted by a jingle since the "creamy, creamy, chocolate, chewy, caramel, crunchy, cookie, crunchy, chewy, creamy, caramel, chocolat, chewy, cookie, crunchy" Twix commercial of '04.

Please, God. Make it stop.

Couldn't find footage of the kid and the cow, so for those who wish to torture themselves, this will have to do.

Suri with a cringe on top

2006-04-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

Baby Cruise has arrived! And her name is . . . Suri?

Suri, like: "Are you legitimately insane? Suri am!"

Or: "Is your marriage a sham? Yes Suri!

The little tyke was born at 3 a.m. this morning. Congratulations to Tom, Katie, and the late L. Ron Hubbard on the arrival of their new disciple.

I just hope I live long enough to read Suri's memoirs. That or see her in porn. Whichever comes first.

It may also be worth mentioning that Tom Cruise is an anagram for Suri Comet. The next Hale-Bopp? Your guess is as good as mine.

Love it. Want it.

2006-04-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

This has to be the greatest gadget ever conceived.

According to CNN a man with a device that allowed him to change stop lights from red to green received a $50 ticket for suspicion of interfering with a traffic signal.

Jason Niccum of Longmont, Colorado, said the device, which he bought on eBay for $100, helped him cut his time driving to work.

The device, called an Opticon, is similar to what firefighters use to change lights when they respond to emergencies. It emits an infrared pulse that receivers on the traffic lights pick up.

Niccum was cited after city traffic engineers who noticed repeated traffic light disruptions at certain intersections spotted a white Ford pickup passing by whenever the patterns were disrupted.

City traffic engineer Joe Olson said engineers plan to update the city's Opticon system this year to block unauthorized light-changing signals.

Bloggers rule

2006-04-18T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today's issue of The Guardian online warns: Ignore bloggers at your own peril. Bloggers and internet pundits are exerting a "disproportionately large influence" on society, according to a report by a technology research company. Its study suggests that although "active" web users make up only a small proportion of Europe's online population, they are increasingly dominating public conversations and creating business trends.

More than half of the internet users on the continent are passive and do not contribute to the web at all, while a further 23% only respond when prompted. But the remainder who do engage with the net - through messageboards, websites and blogs - are helping change the national conversation, say researchers.

"We're seeing this growing," said Julian Smith, an online advertising analyst with Jupiter Research and author of the report. "The strongest part of their influence is on the media: if something online suddenly becomes a story in the local press, then it matters."

Although unprompted contributors are generally younger and more vocal than the wider online population, they are increasingly important as opinion formers and trend-setters. Mr. Smith says businesses, media organisations and advertisers reading blogs should be wary of making assumptions about their wider significance, but that their muscle cannot be ignored.

"They're not representative of the larger audience, but what they're saying does matter," he said. "It's a good straw poll - a snapshot of the verbal conversations going on that we can't measure."

"That's exactly right," said Glenn Reynolds, author of An Army of Davids, which explores the explosion in web punditry. "Bloggers and blog-readers are 'influentials' - the minority that pays attention to events outside of political and news cycles. They also tend on average to be better off, better educated and, more importantly, employed."

There are now more than 35m blogs around the world, according to search engine Technorati. While most bloggers only write for small audiences, they can sometimes achieve wider fame or become the focus of consumer campaigns.

Companies like McDonald's, lock manufacturer Kryptonite and computer firm Dell have all fallen foul of internet buzz in recent years. Because search engines like Google can allow grassroots campaigns to become highly visible, industry insiders agree decisions can be shaped by a small number of activists.

"It's always been the case that vocal minorities are listened to by media organisations, brands, advertisers and marketers - normally because they're thought to represent a wider swath of opinion," said Tom Coates, a technologist with Yahoo! and prominent blogger.

"TV and radio programmes are censored or pulled on the green-inked letters of a few hundred people, products removed from shelves because of less than 100 complaints.

"On that basis, these figures start to sound like a pretty large number of people, and probably a much more representative sample than perhaps before."

Mr Reynolds admits the idea of small groups being able to pressurise wider decisions is nothing new, but those who ignore online buzz do so at their peril: "You can bury your head in the sand, but very quickly you'll look like a very old-fashioned company."

Subservient Donald

2006-04-17T17:09:00.000-05:00

One cannot turn on the television these days without being barraged by advertising, within programming as well as between programming. Reality shows are far and away the biggest offenders, but product placement is also beginning to infiltrate dramas and sitcoms across the network and cable landscape.

At long last, the backlash has begun. According to the Independent, the Writers Guild of America is fighting the trend with satire. Richard Gillis reports:

In a viral campaign Trump is satirised as "Subservient Donald", played by a lookalike whose only role is to act as the mouthpiece for advertising messages bought and paid for by corporate America. Visitors to productinvasion.com, a website launched by the Writers' Guild of America, west coast division (WGAW), are able to write their own script, which the virtual Donald will happily recite. Unusually this service comes free of charge.

Burger King reputedly paid $2m to host one episode of the show. The contestants were set a challenge based around promoting the merits of the company's new product line. Another episode was devoted to marketing a range of perfume endorsed by country singer Shania Twain. A spokesperson for Talkback Thames said there were no similar arrangements for placement in the UK version, in accordance with BBC regulations.

Productinvasion.com is the hub of a viral and media campaign being waged by the WGAW, which represents writers of entertainment and news programmes in America, and the Screen Actors' Guild, the trade union for on-screen talent.

The rules in the UK are under review. The chairman of the Writers' Guild of Great Britain, Graham Lester George, suggests the issue may soon rise up the agenda. "My greatest concerns are whether this will this distort the way TV programmes are conceived and written," he says. "Will the product placers try to exert subtle or even unsubtle editorial control? For example; if a car dealership were to sponsor programmes, would it veto a gay kiss, or insist that creationism be seen as plausible as Darwinism?"

Click here to read the full article.

Click here to play with Subservient Donald!

TMI

2006-04-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know this will be too much information for most of you, but I don't really care. It's Monday; it's gorgeous outside; I'm stuck behind a GD desk doing bullsh*t as usual; and my f*cking breasts feel like they are about to explode.

PMS is a total bitch, and I swear to God, it gets worse EVERY month. It never used to be like this. A little cramping, yes; a little weepy, maybe. But in the past few years, my PMS has evolved into an entirely new breed of monster. It brews quickly, like a summer storm, but does not pass for days. My entire body becomes heavy; I feel water-logged, oversaturated. I want to scream every time my shirt brushes a nipple. I want to pop my tits with a pin, just to make the swelling stop. The blood in my abdomen churns hot and viscous, like melted wax. My mind clouds over. I am spent. Useless.

As if Mondays don't suck enough. Please let this day be over! I want to run to the Lake and dive in. I want to let my hot swollen body sizzle in the cool water while I eat ice cream and drink a dirty martini and all the world goes on around me but I don't have to go back and be a part of anything until I feel human again.

But I can't. I have to work. And then I have to buy groceries and make dinner. After that, there is laundry. If I'm lucky I'll have time for a cocktail and a chapter of my book, but probably not.

I suppose this is nature's way of driving women to reproduce -- torture them with PMS until they say Uncle.

Important Nornna Update!

2006-04-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

In a sad twist of fate, Nornna has withdrawn her videos from the You Tube community just as we were getting to know and love her.

It appears that her footage was filmed in earnest after all, and that she was mocked a few too many times by insensitive viewers.

Poor Nornna. Poor Smug readers who never had the chance to meet her.

Her profile is still available for viewing, but the video has been flagged private. We can only hope by some miracle of God that a few precious nuggets of Nornna footage are resurrected on Easter Sunday.

Nugget of the Week

2006-04-14T01:49:00.000-05:00

For those of you that haven't met Nornna, I invite you to take a ride on her crazy train.

It is altogether unclear whether or not Nornna is the real deal, and if so, whether she fully understands the impact she has on viewers. Either way, girlfriend is tearing up the bandwidth on You Tube with a cult following that rivals Pee Wee's Great Adventure and the Rocky Horror Picture Show combined.

Okay, maybe not. But it's gotta be close. Nornna updates her video blog almost every day, sometimes several times. To learn more about her and check out more excellent Nornna footage, visit her You Tube profile. You won't be disappointed.

Disney World can kill you

2006-04-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

Per the New York Times today: An amusement ride that simulates a trip into space reopened today at Disney World near Orlando, Fla., a day after the death of a 49-year-old woman who had become sick after taking the four-minute ride.

The woman was the second person to die in a year after riding on the Mission: Space ride, which is in the Epcot section of the park. It was not known whether she had some underlying medical condition that was aggravated by the operation of the ride, which spins passengers at twice the force of gravity.

A statement today by a representative of the park said Disney engineers, monitored by state regulators, "completed a thorough inspection of the attraction overnight and found it to be operating properly."

Last June, a 4-year-old boy collapsed while on the ride with his mother and sister. A subsequent autopsy showed that he suffered from a rare, undiagnosed heart condition.

The ride is so rigorous that airline-type motion sickness bags are made available to riders, some of whom complain of dizziness and nausea after it is over. A warning sign is posted outside the ride.

"It is simulating liftoff, so it just depends on your intestinal fortitude and how you can stand up to these things," said Rob Jacobs, director of the Florida Bureau of Fairs and Rides. "It's a G force issue."

As opposed to a "Ride at Risk of Death" issue. What would Mickey say, if he weren't just a man inside a giant mesh head?

Moussaoui is a drama queen

2006-04-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

Besides hating Sept. 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui for the obvious reasons, I have to say, I don't think I can take another recap of his melodramatic courtroom rantings, which sound more like scenes from "As the World Turns" than actual testimony.

Moussaoui's actual involvement in 9/11 attacks remains questionable, but it is clear that he's totally out of his gord. Crazaoui has said that he has no remorse about the Sept. 11 attacks and would like to see more "every day until we get you"; that President Bush would free him, a vision he said came to him in a dream. He also called the United States "the head of the snake" and said he had no remorse about his alleged involvement in the 9/11 attacks. "We wanted you to have pain in your country. I just wish it would have happened on September 12, September 13, September 14. There's no remorse for justice."

But here's the kicker:

While expressing his displeasure with the death penalty, Crazaoui said: "I don't want to die like Silence of the Lambs."

And when asked if he was happy to hear a Naval officer sobbing in the courtroom, his response was "Make my day" a la Dirty Harry.

Hmmm. Have we been watching some American movies Zacarias??? Naughty, naughty.

Though there is nothing laughable about the events on or since September 11, I think it's some kind of funny that this shit-for-brains is citing iconic American films in his rantings about the need to destroy our country and its people. Terrorist my ass. Try delusional narcissist whoring for glory.

Dude, didn't anyone tell you? That's the new American dream.

Awesome eBay of the day

2006-04-10T22:46:00.000-05:00

According to seller:

Introducing the "W Deck" playing cards. These cards were created in response to the Iraq's most wanted playing cards. These high quality, plastic coated playing cards feature 55 different images and were designed in the USA. They offer full colored photographs of vintage poster and pin-up girls all featuring President George W. Bush's face!

I can't decide which I like better: Bush the figure skater or Bush the Queen of England.

Party Socks

2006-04-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

It's Friday everyone! Time to put on your party socks!

If you don't know what party socks are, you obviously haven't checked out Urban Dictionary, a phenomenal resource for the ignorant, the bored, and the pop culturally challenged. Some of Smug's other favorites include:

saddam's toothless smile
no boutros
entremaneur
and of course . . . nugget

American I-Dolt

2006-04-07T17:16:00.000-05:00

Aric McKeown must be a glutton for punishment. For the past few weeks, the New Hope, Minnesota man has allowed people to vote on his Web site to determine which TV programs he'll watch Monday through Friday from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.

McKeown has received about 100 votes per time slot on his Web site - http://www.makemewatchtv.com - resulting in his viewing of "Gilmore Girls," "House," "Veronica Mars," "Supernanny," "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "MASH."

McKeown, 26, said he finds "Gilmore Girls," "Prison Break" and "7th Heaven" to be the most difficult to watch.

"My brain cells were fighting back when I was watching '7th Heaven,'" he said about the WB's family friendly show. "They were screaming at me to stop it now. At least it's clear they're still functioning."

He does admit to being pleasantly surprised by some shows that have won the vote. He became a "24" fan, for instance, after seeing his first episode. Before McKeown began the Web site, he and his wife, Maija, regularly tuned into "Lost," "American Idol" and "Survivor."

So why suffer through a bunch of shows you don't particularly like?

"I'm hoping to see a little part of society," he said. "Do we really enjoy these shows? Are we just watching them because they're the only things on? Why do some shows succeed and others fail? By being forced to watch these shows, you are able to form a better opinion because you have both sides of the story." (via The Associated Press)

I TOTALLY voted for gay porn. No joke. It's on his list.

Bush takes a leak

2006-04-06T19:58:00.000-05:00

Reuters is reporting today that a former top White House aide testified that President George W. Bush authorized leaking classified intelligence in 2003 in the face of criticism of his Iraq policy from a former ambassador, according to court papers made public on Thursday.

Democrats seized on the news, accusing Bush of hypocrisy. The president has often denounced leaks from his administration and vowed to punish the leakers. This was the first time Bush was directly linked to this incident.

"If the disclosure is true, it's breathtaking. The president is revealed as the leaker-in-chief," said Rep. Jane Harman of California, the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee.

Ha! Leaker-in-chief. That's funny. It's even funnier coming from a politician, since it's about as witty as a first-grade potty joke.

Not like my headline and accompanying picture, which are totally sophisticated.

Apocalypse not

2006-04-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

Contrary to all expectations, traffic is running smooth as a prom queen's thighs in Chi-Town this week despite the April 1 launch of the Dan Ryan Expressway Reconstruction Project. Assuming officials haven't staged an elaborate April Fools Day hoax, predictions about the highly anticipated highway reconstruction may turn out to be the most embarrassingly overblown since Y2K went blip at the turn of the millenium.

Just one week ago, Chicagoans were being barraged with hyperbole -- expect massive delays; the year's worst traffic nightmare; highway headaches ahead; even a website called Avoid the Ryan, complete with clever catchphrase: There is a way out. Reroute!

Smug likes to rhyme, too: There once was a paranoid city/ with traffic that just wasn't pretty./ They shut Ryan down / and detoured around/ but their plan was, predictably, shitty.

Delayed DeLay

2006-04-06T18:27:00.000-05:00

I know this happened a few days ago, which in blog time might as well have been last year, but I spent too much time photoshopping Tom DeLay's head in the toilet to stay mum on the subject of his recent resignation from Congress.

If you have a problem with my tardiness, take it up with the standing lay, who has been monopolizing the computer all week long. For work of all things.

Anyway a big "Bye, bye and smell ya later" to DeLay for quitting a re-election race he couldn't win, even if Terry Schiavo came back from the dead to exonerate him.

One smug flush, and we all move on.

Is nice. Is fun.

2006-04-04T01:46:00.000-05:00

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys one toothbrush, one tube of toothpaste, one roll of toiletpaper, one frozen dinner, one can of soda, and one box of cereal.
The woman behind the counter says, "So, you're single, huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "Why would you guess that? Because I'm buying one of everything?"
"No," the woman replies. "Because you're ugly."

Nugget of the Week

2006-04-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

Smug's (belated) nugget of the week for the first blush of April is none other than her favorite man with a microphone: Mr. Howard Stern. Howard's on-air ejaculations (i.e his emotional outbursts, dirty birdy) have been making me purr since I was a wee lass, and though he is no stranger to headlines, this month has been particularly sensational for the Siriusly controversial talk radio host.

There is, of course, the lawsuit, on which I will not waste another word. Next came the news that Sirius has more than four million subscribers, at least one million of which are attributable to the man himself (including one Smug subscriber, who is beyond thrilled with her purchase).

But what really turned Smug's nuggets was today's story in the New York Daily News--more evidence that Howard is a true gent, in spite of what many would have you believe.

The story unfolded shortly after 8 p.m. Saturday as Stern and leggy girlfriend Beth Ostrosky were walking on Columbus Ave. at W. 62nd St. after dinner.

[The fan] recognized Stern and . . . allegedly screamed and waved his arms, threatening Stern and Ostrosky--getting right in their faces and making them fear for their lives, the sources said.

When the couple walked away and jumped into a cab, [he] chased after them with his fists raised and spit through the taxi's open window into Ostrosky's face, a court complaint charges.

Stern managed to call cops - but by the time they arrived, [the man] was gone, the sources said.

Undaunted, Stern hopped into an unmarked police car with anti-crime cops and helped them scour the area for the weirdo, sources said.

Blocks away, two detectives spotted a man fitting Forbes' description about 8:50 p.m. Stern, from the safety of the unmarked police car, identified . . . the suspect, sources said.

Air travel is the new bus travel

2006-04-03T23:01:00.000-05:00

I am not that old, but I can clearly remember the days when air travel was something of a luxury. Forget the jeans and ratty old sweatshirts; passengers wore their Sunday best and nothing less. Flight attendants were still called stewards and stewardesses, and they offered you chicken a la king, and flank steak with mashed potatoes and a side of vegetables. Whatever you get now, you pay for, and most of the time, it isn't worth the three bucks.

That's why the following story comes as no surprise to this frequent flier.

MSNBC is reporting that travelers increasingly are unhappy with airlines ranking lost luggage among their biggest complaints, according to an annual survey by university researchers that rates carriers' quality.

"They're less on time, they're losing bags at a rate they've never done before and people are complaining again," said Dean Hedley, co-author of the study being released Monday.

Intense competition from low-fare airlines and high fuel prices have forced many traditional airlines to cut back or charge passengers for amenities.

Many airlines no longer serve meals on flights. Some charge for pillows. And there's a price now for overweight or extra bags.

"Airlines know their consumers," Hedley said. "I'm not sure they know how far they can push them."

At this point, one could argue that we've been pushed pushed pretty far -- say, between a rock and a hard place? Then again, there's always the bus.

Free at last

2006-04-03T22:23:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the recent shortage of new posts, but I've been in the trenches for three long, LONG days.

Let's just say, it got a little Jerry Springer up in Smug's plizzace this weekend, thanks to a few very tiresome out-of-town guests. The kind that I'm related to, and not by blood. Kapeesh?

I will say no more, lest the blog comes back to haunt me in later life. That is, if I survive that long; and based on the events of this past weekend, that is not a foregone conclusion.

Free at last, free at last. And glad to be back.

Biggest "Fools" of all time

2006-04-01T11:20:00.000-06:00

Smug enjoys hearing about a good prank, rather than being a part of one.

Thus, I pay tribute to the great pranksters and fools of yore by sharing a link to a list of the Top 100 Hoaxes of all time.

Enjoy. And try not to be an asshole today.

New York Daily News needs a copyeditor

2006-04-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

The New York Daily News published an interesting, albeit tired, story today about a possible connection between brain tumors and cell phones.

It's kind of tough to take it seriously though, since they misspelled the word "phones" in their headline.

Cell fones tied to tumors
BY PAUL H.B. SHIN
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Click here for the full story.

Oxygen deprivation causes brain damange -- and males

2006-04-01T10:38:00.000-06:00

Granted, this story is about fish, but since scientists are prone to experimenting on mice to probe matters of human biology, one is forced to wonder if gender-bending fish don't suggest something about our own species as well.

According to a story in ABC News today, oxygen-starved patches of ocean are becoming the equivalent of male-dominated locker rooms for fish.

In lab experiments, newly born male zebrafish outnumber females 3-to-1 when oxygen is reduced. And the precious few females have testosterone levels about twice as high as normal, according to a scientific study released Wednesday.

The stress of hypoxia the lack of oxygen in water tinkers with the genes that help make male and female sex hormones, said study lead author Rudolf Wu, director of the Centre for Coastal Pollution and Conservation at the City University of Hong Kong. Wu's peer-reviewed study will appear in the May issue of the journal Environmental Science and Technology.

Wu restricted the oxygen of zebrafish, which are freshwater aquarium fish, but said similar changes are possible in other species of fresh and saltwater fish. Fish often change genders during their lives, but this is different, he said.

Since development of sex organs is modulated by sex hormones, hypoxia may therefore affect sex determination and development," Wu wrote in an e-mail interview. "Hypoxia covers a very large area worldwide, many areas and species may be affected in a similar way."

I guess this confirms that men are retarded.

Another day at the Office

2006-03-31T12:44:00.000-06:00

Fans of The Office have probably already seen the faux-PSA's running during the show's commercial breaks.
Best show on TV right now. The proof is in the pudding.

Click here to watch

Click here to watch

Corn is just corn

2006-03-30T21:28:00.000-06:00

It's take-out Thai night (as is usually the case when Smug's standing lay is away), and I opted for a decadent dose of my favorite dish--Massaman Curry--from a local joint. It's a dive, of course, because I should not be spending money. Besides, Thai food just isn't as good when it comes from a real restaurant.

I ate as much as my little belly can hold. I'm sure I will pay for it later, but for a short time, I am content to roll around on the sofa, fat and happy, not a care in the world. Until I'm not. Which is now. So here I am. And I am bored.

The Office has ended, and I just finished my book. I stare at the mess in the kitchen and reluctantly begin to clean. I dump what's left of my dinner into the sink, hypnotized by the peapods and peanuts as they slip and slide around the mouth of the disposal.

An ear of baby corn swirls awkardly about the basin, and suddenly, I have to know: Where does baby corn come from? Is it really corn, or just a vegetable that resembles corn?

It occurs to me that I've been contemplating this for years. I think I've even asked, but I can't remember the answer. And so I've found my distraction. Tonight will be the night that I find out, once and for all, whether or not baby corn is real corn.

And the answer is . . . yes. Baby corn is just immature regular corn, picked by hand as soon as the silks emerge from the ear tips.

Thanks to the wonders of Google, it took me all of two seconds to figure it out.

So now I am bored again.

Hey baby. You looking for a lawsuit?

2006-03-30T18:43:00.000-06:00

The state of Illinois is close to approving legislation that would allow prostitutes who are exploited by pimps and attacked by customers to take their abusers to court.

The new law would allow prostitutes to sue without running the risk of being prosecuted for prostitution, because the window for filing lawsuits would not close until after the statute of limitations for prostitution has expired.

Advocates say the legal system rarely holds pimps responsible for their role in prostitution, which is illegal in Illinois. Opponents predict prostitutes would abuse the right to sue -- by filing lawsuits against pimps they don't like, for instance.

Although the legislation is expected to pass, experts say it's unlikely that many lawmakers will sell tickets to related legal proceedings, which will undoubtedly be unruly and unbearably hilarious.

Reclassification Nation

2006-03-30T18:10:00.000-06:00

The Galleycats over at Mediabistro spilled the beans today on Penguin's plot to reclassify the paperback edition of James Frey's My Friend Leonard from memoir to fiction.

In case you don't remember, Frey is the poor bastard who created all that fuss when his bestselling first memoir, A Million Little Pieces, was exposed as a big fat pack of lies.

Great. So when should readers start looking for Tom Cruise, Star Jones, Martha Stewart, and Michael Jackson's biographies on the fiction shelf?

Oh, the horror

2006-03-29T16:41:00.000-06:00

The Five Stages of Grief:

1. Denial (No, no, no. It's not real. It CAN'T be real.)
2. Anger (Collagen is for the lips, sir. For the LIPS!!!)
3. Bargaining (Please, make it stop. Just stop it. I'll do anything.)
4. Depression (Crying, with my head in my hands.)
5. Acceptance (And they say nature is cruel.)

The WOW Report has officially wow'd me. Go to their website to read the backstory and download this absolutely rancid video.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Focker?

2006-03-29T15:16:00.000-06:00

Will wonders never cease?

Turns out Barbara Streisand's list of sexual conquests is as long and distinguished as her resume. Smug never would've pinned the funny girl for a big, bad ho.

A new and obviously unauthorized biography by Christopher Anderson reveals that the legendary singer/actress/director/man-eater has bedded A-list actors and world leaders alike, including Warren Beatty, Ryan O'Neal, Kris Kristofferson, Jon Voigt, Richard Gere, Omar Sharif, Peter Weller, Tommy Smothers Don Johnson, Prince Charles and former President Bill Clinton!

Damn. Babs must have a REALLY good personality.

Jessica Simpson needs to GO AWAY!

2006-03-29T12:46:00.000-06:00

Someone needs to tell this girl that her fifteen minutes are up, and fast. If I read one more flagrantly self-promoting story about her dumb ass, and if--GOD HELP ME--I hear "These Bites are made for poppin'" one more time, I tell you I cannot be held accountable for my actions.

In a last ditch effort to prove to the world that she is not the waste of space, Simpson is exploring the possibility of adopting a child, according to a report in People Magazine this week.

"Nothing has been finalized yet," her publicist, Rob Shuter, told the Associated Press on Tuesday. He added, "It is true that she's exploring options."

The 25-year-old singer-actress, who filed for divorce from Nick Lachey last December, recently told TV's Extra: "I want to adopt, and I plan to adopt before I have my own kids.

She also said of a particularly well-known adoptive mother, "I think Angelina Jolie has done amazing, amazing things, and the international adoption rate just since her has skyrocketed. It's unbelievable."

Shuter said that for the past several years Simpson and her family have anonymously contributed money to various Mexican orphanages, and that Jessica was 11 years old when she visited her first orphanage with a church group.

All I can say is there better be a special place in hell for people like this.

Hippies, hippies. Happy, trippy.

2006-03-28T23:38:00.000-06:00

Hippies are the shit. And this one looks like Ned Flanders.

Check out this mind-altering music video, complete with go-go dancers a la Pochahontas.

Chinese take out

2006-03-28T17:37:00.000-06:00

According to a BBC News report, China has announced plans to ban the sale of human organs in an attempt to clean up its transplant industry.

The decision was fueled by recent controversy surrounding the deaths of eight Japanese patients, each of whom fell ill or died after receiving an organ transplant in China.

Voluntary donations fall far below the level of demand in China because of cultural biases against organ removal before burial. The resulting shortage has spawned a lucrative black market.

While talk of back-alley organ trades is always unsettling, I am somehow more disturbed by the uncanny resemblance between organ boxes and Chinese take-out containers. Very curious. Very curious, indeed.

Celebrity side show

2006-03-28T10:32:00.000-06:00

Long live photoshop!

And thanks to Jared for turning us on to this hilarious contest.

It looks like this is the seventh installment, so do browse the archives. They're worth it.

CNN just got the memo

2006-03-28T09:28:00.000-06:00

I always get a laugh out of journalistic scuttlebutt like this, which translates like parody, though it is anything but.
I guess CNN thinks online video sharing is breaking news.

ABC is "Extremely" Shady

2006-03-27T20:19:00.000-06:00

If you've ever watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, you won't be surprised to hear that they target the sick, the tragic, and the resilient.

Apparently though, network execs believe that certain types of sickness, tragedy, and resilience are more deserving (or, perhaps just more entertaining) than others. According to an email obtained exclusively by The Smoking Gun, the popular home makeover show is jonesing for:

- Extraordinary Moms/Dads recently diagnosed with ALS
- Families who have a child w/PROGERIA (aka "little old man disease")
- Cases of congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, referred to as CIPA by the few people who know about it. (There are 17 known cases in US - let me know if one is in your town!) This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
- Muscular Dystrophy Children - amazing kids who are changing people's views about MD
- MADD/Drunk Driving - Famlies turn tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
- Families who have multiple children w/Down Syndrome (either adopted or biological)
- Amazing/loved Moms or Dads diagnosed w/melanoma/skin cancer
- Home Invasions - families robbed, houses messed up (vandalized) - kids fear safety in their homes now
- Victims of hate crimes, arson or severe vandalism

Better luck next season to autistics, recovering drug addicts, rape victims, and hermaphrodites. I guess cancer just doesn't cut the mustard anymore.

Love you babe. Like I love Fresca.

2006-03-27T19:33:00.000-06:00

It's Monday, and as I settle in for the evening with a decent book and a good strong cocktail, it occurs to me that there may be people out there who have yet to rediscover the miracle that is Fresca.

Mmmm, delicious Fresca. I know I used to drink it way back in the day, when I was a little nugget and pudding pops and jelly shoes were all the rage. But the relationship was shortlived. I soon moved on; I started drinking Diet Coke. All the girls were doing it. What can I say? I thought I was happy.

And what of Fresca? Did it sit alone, unloved, on the shelves all those years? Was it a casualty of the great soda wars of '95? Or did Americans just stop drinking it, like Tab and crystal-clear Pepsi? Whatever the case may be, Fresca is so totally back. I was reintroduced last summer, and have been drinking it like water ever since.

Which brings me back to my original point: Monday night cocktail hour. Get out your pencils and a pad of paper because Smug is about to share with you the secret of eternal life.

Vodka and Fresca.

Any vodka will do, though I am partial to the Goose; and any Fresca will do, though I suggest you start with the original. For those of you who have yet to try it, trust me. You won't be disappointed.

Incidentally, I've also rediscovered pudding pops. Also back on the market, yes, but not nearly as delicious as I remember them to be.

Boyfriend's back and I'm gonna be in trouble

2006-03-27T18:22:00.000-06:00

Circumstances beyond Smug's control have kept her from posting much today -- the boss is back from vacation.
Sad, but true.

More posts to come this evening to make up for it, I promise.

Hugs and kisses.

Boobylicious

2006-03-26T21:14:00.000-06:00

No disrespect intended, but Smug couldn't resist.

Katie Holmes's belly looks like a gigantic tit, with a protruding nipple to boot. It makes one wonder what in fact she is carrying.

Perhaps she is not actually pregnant, but has sold her body to science to test the largest silicone implant ever developed.

That would also explain the irrational behavior.

Thanks to Dlisted for the pic.

Nugget of the Week

2006-03-26T20:50:00.000-06:00

This week's Nugget of the Week is Don Hertzfeldt, animator extraordinaire.

His work is fantastic. His love life, not so much.

Check out his interpretation of the Life of a Guy if you think I'm kidding.

Marine Corps getting desperate

2006-03-26T19:41:00.000-06:00

(via ABC News online)

Sonia Goldstein was flattered by the nice recruiting letter asking her to consider becoming one of "the few, the proud." But at age 78, she believes she's just a little old to enlist in the U.S. Marine Corps.

"I couldn't believe it," Goldstein told KCAL-TV on Friday. "My girls were sitting here . . . we were in hysterics, we laughed so hard."

The letter told her the corps could use her unique language skills, but also warned that life as a Marine would test her physical and mental abilities "beyond anything you've ever known."

"There I am with my walker. I can't maneuver from here to there without it," said Goldstein, who added that her only language is English.

"I'll do whatever I could for this wonderful country we live in," she said. "But you know, this is kind of stretching it a bit."

The Marines ordinarily recruit people 18 to 27, said Maj. Joseph Kloppel, a corps spokesman. He said the letter must have been sent by mistake.

"Seventy-eight is obviously too old," Kloppel added.

Plus, I heard she's a lesbian.

Apology exploited?

2006-03-26T18:39:00.000-06:00

The Associated Press is reporting that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has accepted Dave Lenihan's apology for using a racial slur to describe her during his morning show on Wednesday.

"My understanding is that he apologized, said he didn't mean it," Rice told Fox News Sunday. "I accept that because we all say things from time to time that we shouldn't say or didn't mean to say."

Very nice. Such compassion suggests she has had some experience dealing with the bane of poor public speaking skills.

Rice also took the opportunity to draw a few broader conclusions about the incident, which she believes is evidence that the "birth defect" of slavery infuses even mature democracies with racial tensions that take generations to heal.

More importantly, she added, she hopes the episode will inspire Americans to "be a little bit more humble" about the progress of emerging democracies, such as those in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Wait . . . what? Unless Americans have suddenly reappropriated the word "coon" to describe Afghanis and/or Iraqis, methinks I smell AGENDA here.

Nice try though, Condi.

Happy Ban-niversary!

2006-03-25T23:40:00.000-06:00

On this day in history, in the year 1955, the U.S. Customs Department confiscated 520 copies of Allen Ginsberg's book Howl, amidst allegations that the book was obscene.

City Lights, a publishing company and bookstore in San Francisco owned by poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti, proceeded to publish the book in the fall of 1956. The publication led to Ferlinghetti's arrest on obscenity charges. Ferlinghetti was bailed out by the American Civil Liberties Union, which led the legal defense. Nine literary experts testified at the trial that the poem was not obscene, and Ferlinghetti was found not guilty.

Howl, which created a literary earthquake among the literary community when Ginsberg first read the poem in 1955, still stands as an important monument to the countercultural fervor of the late 1950s and '60s. (via the History Channel)

Coincidentally, today is also the ten-day anniversary of the Federal Communication Commission's (FCC) record 3.6 million dollar fine against CBS and its affiliates for indecent programming.

It's nice to know that U.S. culture has evolved in the past half-century. Or not.

Cruising the Universe

2006-03-25T12:04:00.000-06:00

Reuters is reporting today that the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has returned the first test images from its super high-resolution cameras, the most powerful photographic equipment to be trained on the Red Planet in NASA's search for water and life.

Scientists believe that water may be abundant on Mars in the form of ice. According to Alfred McEwen, a mission scientist and University of Arizona professor of planetary science, "It's not a matter of finding water on Mars but learning its importance in climate change . . . and clearly it has been important to shaping the landscape."

One of the most intriguing images suggests that the Red Planet may even sustain some form of simple, unintelligent life. Smug Nugget has obtained the exclusive photo below:

Italian prime minister is a booger eater!

2006-03-24T16:57:00.000-06:00

As I doubt you've heard, Italy is gearing up for a big election in April, which will determine whether incumbent Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi remains in office for another five years.

The controversial media baron-turned-politician is currently trailing opposition leader and former Prime Minister Romano Prodi in the polls. The race is expected to be close, and there is a great deal at stake, for the candidates as well as the country.

What an unfortunate time for the incumbent Prime Minister to get caught on VIDEO picking his nose and eating its contents!!!

He better hope the voters like him as much as he likes his own boogers.

Psassy Pants

2006-03-24T11:43:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry, cum again?

Doctors are apparently calling for more research into a very rare, poorly understood syndrome known as persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS), which causes constant, unprovoked feelings of excitement.

"Persistent sexual arousal syndrome occurs when a woman becomes involuntarily aroused for extended periods of time in the absence of sexual desire," said Dr. David Goldmeier of St. Mary's Hospital in London.

But rather than being a pleasant sensation, Goldmeier, who described PSAS in a report in the International Journal of STD & AIDS, said it is embarrassing and very distressing for women. (via CNN.com)

Forgive me if this sounds insensitive, but some of us are just grateful when it works at all.

There goes the neighborhood

2006-03-24T11:14:00.000-06:00

After years of speculation about the stability of the housing market, the real estate bubble finally popped--I'm sorry, EXPLODED--today when the government reported a record 10.5% drop in the sales of new U.S. homes.

Read more about it at Business Week Online.

Thank god I rent.

Condoleezza Rice is ugly . . . I mean ANGRY. She's angry. I can't believe I said that.

2006-03-23T17:50:00.000-06:00

Poor Dave Lenihan. The two-week-new talk jock for KTRS radio in St. Louis got the ax on Wednesday after an unfortunate slip of the tongue. He sorta kinda not-really but almost called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice a coon. On the air. While thousands of people were listening.

Big, BIG oops.

It went a little something like this:

"She's been chancellor of Stanford," said Lenihan, discussing Rice's potential candidacy to replace retiring NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "She's got the patent resume of somebody that has serious skill. She loves football. She's African-American, which would kind of be a big coon. A big coon. Oh my God. I am totally, totally, totally, totally, totally sorry for that."

In case you were wondering, he meant to say "coup" instead of "coon." You can download the wma file here, via the St. Louis Dispatch.

The talk jock was fired faster than you can say "politically incorrect," and not just by the radio station. Lenihan was also released from his job at Logan College of Chiropractic, where he has been teaching anatomy and neuroanatomy since September 2004.

I detest racial epithets, but come on, folks. It is apparent as the gap between Condoleezza's teeth that this was little more than a verbal misstep, and frankly, I think Lenihan's bosses are gigantic pussies for not coming to his defense.

The good news: Lenihan is getting mad publicity and will probably end up better off in the long run. Even so, Smug feels his pain. Verbal diarrhea can burn your ass, just like the other kind.

Charlie Sheen is Mental

2006-03-23T12:41:00.000-06:00

Charlie Sheen has joined the 9/11 gone-bonkers brigade. The "Two and a Half Men" star gave a bizarre interview on GGN Radio Network's conspiracy-minded "The Alex Jones Show," in which he suggested that the federal government was covering up what "really" happened.

"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with boxcutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions," Sheen said. "A couple of years ago, it was severely unpopular to talk about any of this. It feels like from the people I talk to, and the research I've done and around my circles, it feels like the worm is turning."

Sheen said the collapse of the Twin Towers looked like a "controlled demolition." The out-there actor also expressed his disbelief over how one of the planes hit the Pentagon. "Just show us how this particular plane pulled off these maneuvers . . . It is up to us to reveal the truth. It is up to us because we owe it to the families, we owe it to the victims, we owe it to everyone's life who was drastically altered, horrifically, that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened." (via Page Six)

What's "Up"?

2006-03-23T00:26:00.000-06:00

If you have yet to see the Up Series you must, you must, you MUST!

This compelling documentary follows the lives of fourteen Brits, diverse in age, race, gender, and socio-economic background, from the age of seven to adulthood. Every seven years, the documentarians reconnect with each subject in an attempt to substantiate the old axiom: "Show me the child at seven, and I'll show you the man."

If you have ever wondered how much age or experience has changed you, this is an absolute must-see.

Blog v. Board

2006-03-22T21:18:00.000-06:00

I just finished watching the latest episode of Lost, and, as is my weekly ritual, I paid a post-show visit to the ABC.com message boards to see what other addicts are saying. For the record, I detest message boards. They are the mac-and-cheese of online dialogue, the McNugget, if you will, of electronic nuggets; yet I return, week after week, in hope of delaying the inevitable end of the show I most enjoy just a few moments longer.

Tonight I stumbled upon a particularly ridiculous, off-topic exchange, which led me to consider the question: What makes a blog a blog, and a board a board?

The nuances are subtle.

1. Bloggers determine content. Boarders respond to content.
2. Bloggers create a network. Boarders join a network.
3. Bloggers observe. Boarders comment.
4. Bloggers are sexy. Boarders, not so much.

The SAT analogy might look something like this:

Blog: Board as:

a. preparation : extempore
b. syllable : elision
c. composer : symphony
d. geognosy : rock
e. marigold : fungus

What would you say? Look for my answer next week at http://smugnugget.blogspot.com.

War of the Worlds

2006-03-22T18:16:00.000-06:00

This story is more depressing than the future of Cruise's unborn child.

On March 13, 2003, Jeremy Perkins, a 28 year old untreated schizophrenic, stabbed his mother Elli 77 times. She bled to death on her bedroom floor. Jeremy is currently being held at Rochester Psychiatric Center, having been found not responsible for Elli's murder by reason of mental disease or defect.

Perkins, his mother and father, his sister, and her husband are all members of the Church of Scientology, a group that believes modern psychiatric medicine derives from an ancient alien civilization's plot to drug and enslave humanity. At the time of his mother's death, Jeremy Perkins was allegedly taking vitamins to combat his mental illness.

Scientology critics are running the ad below in protest in selected newspapers, which include the Buffalo Beast (a weekly paper in Buffalo, NY, where Elli lived), the Spectrum (student newspaper of SUNY Buffalo), and the Jackson Hole Daily, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

See PerkinsTragedy.org for more information.

Liar, liar pants on fire

2006-03-22T13:23:00.000-06:00

CNN is crying nanny nanny boo boo in response to yesterday's announcement that Gallup was dropping them due to low ratings. A spokesperson for the cable news organization released the following statment:

Jim Clifton's statements are not only unprofessional but in every respect untrue...While we appreciate that Gallup does not wish to have any broadcasting partner for the future, I must note that CEO Jim Clifton's excuse to his employees for ending the relationship has no basis in fact...It is unfortunate that Mr. Clifton's insecurity about the strength of the Gallup brand has pushed him to send out an inaccurate e-mail to his staff.

Boo-yaa, Gallup. How do you like them apples?

Twisted Sister

2006-03-21T21:12:00.000-06:00

Thanks to kindred blogger, NuggetMaven, for this absolutely re-DONK-ulous link. Should appeal equally to athletes and deviants.

And remember: double the cup size equals double the fun.

Architectural Innuendo

2006-03-21T18:26:00.000-06:00

Gazing out my window at Chicago's absolutely magnificent skyline (of which I am privileged to have a view), I feel compelled to go on record as saying that the Vagina Building definitely DOES NOT look like a vagina.

For those of you who aren't familiar, the Vagina Building--otherwise known as the Smurfit-Stone Building, or the Stone Container--is supposed to have been conceived to reflect a more feminine architecture, as opposed to the standard skyscraper, which is considered phallic in design.

I find the credibility of this theory seriously questionable; however, true or not, I have to wonder how the rumor got started. It certainly doesn't look like my vagina, and if it looks like yours, I'm profoundly sorry.

Nonetheless, the legend persists. Either there is some truth to the story, or I have really pretty girl parts.

When poo worlds collide

2006-03-21T15:37:00.000-06:00

Seriously? Seriously.

If you've ever wondered if your doodies are normal, consider Rate My Poo the ultimate authority.

I couldn't make this shit up. Viewer beware.

Dumped!

2006-03-21T15:26:00.000-06:00

Mediabistro is reporting today that the 14 year partnership between CNN and the Gallup Poll is officially O-V-E-R.

In a memo dated Wednesday, March 15, CEO Jim Clifton wrote: "We have chosen not to renew our contract with CNN. We have had a great relationship with CNN, but it is not the right alignment for our future."

"CNN has far fewer viewers than it did in the past, and we feel that our brand was getting lost and diluted," Clifton continued. "...We have only about 200,000 viewers during our CNN segments."

In related news, an unofficial Smug Nugget Poll indicates that Gallup Polls suck anyway. You lose. Good day sir.

Nullius Filius

2006-03-21T12:09:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Darren for digging this up. And yes, folks, it is a cat.

A seemingly normal house cat in Tunisia has given birth a litter of five adorable kittens...and one freakish mutant.

Among Minoucha's new litter is a half-cat, half-rat pygmy. The new addition to the family is a normal cat in every way except it has the nose, mouth, ears and feet of a rat.

For more information, including a video, check out this link.

My blog can beat up your blog

2006-03-21T11:26:00.000-06:00

A battle of the blogs is heating up, and dumbing down. Readers of Gawker and/or Perez Hilton can't help but notice the barbs the rival sites have been throwing at each other in recent weeks, beginning with Gawker's disclosure of an email exchange between Perez and a Manhattan PR firm following the 2006 Super Bowl.

Little more than a month later, Gawker went in for the kill by featuring an old profile Perez had posted under pseudonym Tommy Gnosis on a guy-meet-guy website. Clearly old, but OUCH, even so.

Perez acknowledged the post with the kind of class and dignity for which he is so admired in a comment to Gawker's editors, Jesse Oxfeld and Jessica Coen:

Thanks for putting up my college profile. I wish I was as skinny as I was back then, as fake blonde and getting as much sex. Alas, I'm not. But, if anyone is interested, my email is Perez@PerezHilton.com.

Hot guys only. Jesse Oxfeld need not apply. But Jessica Coen should. We hear she has a really big dick!

Way to keep it on the level, Perez. To sustain the momentum, Perez took another jab on his own site today. Click here for the link.

Can't we all just get along?

Oprah rots your brain

2006-03-20T16:49:00.000-06:00

Heads up, ladies. If you thought you only had to worry about fine lines and wrinkles as you age, think again. A new study suggests that your mediocre taste in television programming could make you dumber than Tony Danza. According to a recent article in Forbes:

New research suggests that elderly women who watch daytime soap operas and talk shows are more likely to suffer from cognitive impairment than women who abstain from such fare.

Researchers stress that it's not clear if watching these TV shows leads to weaker brainpower, or vice-versa . . . But there's definitely "something going on with those two types of television programming," said study co-author Joshua Fogel, an assistant professor of behavioral sciences at Brooklyn College of the City University of New York.

It's a good thing I only watch quality programming, like Flavor of Love.

No need to wipe your feet

2006-03-20T14:59:00.000-06:00

So an unexpected shout out from Bane of BaneRants has generated a welcome flood of traffic to Smug's little site.

Though grateful for the acknowledgment, many of my new visitors were unfortunately greeted by the image of a masturbating cat.

What a terrible way to make a first impression. I am admittedly juvenile, but not all the time. I encourage you to scroll beyond the filthy feline.

Masturbating Cat

2006-03-20T13:55:00.000-06:00

'Nuff said.
Click here to watch the video.

Reality Check: Who Cares?

2006-03-20T12:42:00.000-06:00

In spite of the fact that most Americans don't pay attention to their Presidential, Senatorial, and Congressional elections, someone in TV land believes that there is an audience for the dog-eat-dog world of high-school politics.

According to Time Magazine, the Lifetime Network has signed political strategists James Carville and Mary Matalin to advise opposing parties in a reality show about a race for high-school class president.

Perhaps Carville and Matalin, who have counseled politicians ranging from Zell Miller to Dick Cheney, were interested in working with a more intelligent group of candidates.

The new show will be called "Election" like the Witherspoon-Broderick flick that I so dearly love; however, I can't imagine that a real campaign for class president will be nearly as tawdry . . . or as entertaining.

Nugget of the Week

2006-03-19T18:20:00.000-06:00

I'd like to give a shout out to my Nugget of the Week, Andrew Smart, for his poignant piece in this month's MPH Magazine titled Can a Car Get a Dork Laid?

We always knew Smartie to be a raconteur extraordinaire, and are thrilled to see his skills put to good use in this devastating expose about love and a Lamborghini.

But don't let the pictures fool you; Andrew is a hot piece of ass. More importantly, he enjoys being spanked with a hairbrush.

If anyone out there enjoys his work as much as I do, please hook him up with a little more of it.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the smugliest of them all?

2006-03-19T16:55:00.000-06:00

While hundreds of thousands of people gathered in protest yesterday to mark the third anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, President Bush waxed sentimental about Operation Iraqi Freedom in his weekly radio address:

The decision by the United States and our Coalition partners to remove Saddam Hussein from power was a difficult decision -- and it was the right decision. America and the world are safer today without Saddam Hussein in power . . . More fighting and sacrifice will be required to achieve this victory, and for some, the temptation to retreat and abandon our commitments is strong. Yet there is no peace, there's no honor, and there's no security in retreat. So America will not abandon Iraq to the terrorists who want to attack us again. We will finish the mission. By defeating the terrorists in Iraq, we will bring greater security to our own country. And when victory is achieved, our troops will return home with the honor they have earned.

The fact that Georgie is still working the terrorist angle is mindblowing. Someone should try spoon-feeding el Presidente a few helpings of his own steaming shit-pile. And tell him that his face looks like a vagina.

To read the full radio address, click here.

Why I Love the "Next Blog" Button

2006-03-18T19:07:00.000-06:00

If it weren't for the next blog button, we might never have the pleasure of knowing that fine young men like Manjul are out there, loving their mummies.

I think we can all learn a little something from Manjul. Click here to visit his blog.

Smug Nugget with a Blind Nugget

2006-03-17T17:47:00.000-06:00

New blind item via eonline's Ted Casablanca, just in time for the weekend. God love that fabulous fagula for sharing One Rattling Blind Vice:

Oh, Hussy Purr, every day I come a wee bit closer to understanding why you change moods more often than hairstyles.

Sometimes, a story unfolds slowly. What we know is Hussy and her onetime perma-man-candy, Drinkel Manslut, may be no longer. And zillions of theories abound, citing everything from HP's unconventional love life to Drink's roving eyes, hands, etc.

Alas, while I'm sure neither Hussy nor Drinkel deserves to be canonized anytime soon, I've learned from excellent sources that it was her misbehavior that put them into "get away from me once and for all" land. And to top it off, I'm told Hussy put her man into a hissy overdrive with an announcement that's straight out of Jerry Springer: I'm pregnant. And you ain't the daddy.

I'm sure she put it more gently, of course, but whatev.

Not that Hussy ever seemed much of a conniver, mind you. Were she not so famous, none of this scandalicious horror would seem so shocking.

But Hussy is. And so is the father. So, don't expect to see any pics of her preggers in the tabs anytime soon. 'Cause you won't. Any guesses why?

Thanks Teddy!