Saturday, April 01, 2006
Biggest "Fools" of all time
Smug enjoys hearing about a good prank, rather than being a part of one.
Thus, I pay tribute to the great pranksters and fools of yore by sharing a link to a list of the Top 100 Hoaxes of all time.
Enjoy. And try not to be an asshole today.
New York Daily News needs a copyeditor
The New York Daily News published an interesting, albeit tired, story today about a possible connection between brain tumors and cell phones.
It's kind of tough to take it seriously though, since they misspelled the word "phones" in their headline.
Cell fones tied to tumors
BY PAUL H.B. SHIN
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
Click here for the full story.
Oxygen deprivation causes brain damange -- and males
Granted, this story is about fish, but since scientists are prone to experimenting on mice to probe matters of human biology, one is forced to wonder if gender-bending fish don't suggest something about our own species as well.
According to a story in ABC News today, oxygen-starved patches of ocean are becoming the equivalent of male-dominated locker rooms for fish.
In lab experiments, newly born male zebrafish outnumber females 3-to-1 when oxygen is reduced. And the precious few females have testosterone levels about twice as high as normal, according to a scientific study released Wednesday.
The stress of hypoxia the lack of oxygen in water tinkers with the genes that help make male and female sex hormones, said study lead author Rudolf Wu, director of the Centre for Coastal Pollution and Conservation at the City University of Hong Kong. Wu's peer-reviewed study will appear in the May issue of the journal Environmental Science and Technology.
Wu restricted the oxygen of zebrafish, which are freshwater aquarium fish, but said similar changes are possible in other species of fresh and saltwater fish. Fish often change genders during their lives, but this is different, he said.
Since development of sex organs is modulated by sex hormones, hypoxia may therefore affect sex determination and development," Wu wrote in an e-mail interview. "Hypoxia covers a very large area worldwide, many areas and species may be affected in a similar way."
I guess this confirms that men are retarded.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Another day at the Office
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Corn is just corn
I ate as much as my little belly can hold. I'm sure I will pay for it later, but for a short time, I am content to roll around on the sofa, fat and happy, not a care in the world. Until I'm not. Which is now. So here I am. And I am bored.
The Office has ended, and I just finished my book. I stare at the mess in the kitchen and reluctantly begin to clean. I dump what's left of my dinner into the sink, hypnotized by the peapods and peanuts as they slip and slide around the mouth of the disposal.
An ear of baby corn swirls awkardly about the basin, and suddenly, I have to know: Where does baby corn come from? Is it really corn, or just a vegetable that resembles corn?
It occurs to me that I've been contemplating this for years. I think I've even asked, but I can't remember the answer. And so I've found my distraction. Tonight will be the night that I find out, once and for all, whether or not baby corn is real corn.
And the answer is . . . yes. Baby corn is just immature regular corn, picked by hand as soon as the silks emerge from the ear tips.
Thanks to the wonders of Google, it took me all of two seconds to figure it out.
So now I am bored again.
Hey baby. You looking for a lawsuit?
The state of Illinois is close to approving legislation that would allow prostitutes who are exploited by pimps and attacked by customers to take their abusers to court.
The new law would allow prostitutes to sue without running the risk of being prosecuted for prostitution, because the window for filing lawsuits would not close until after the statute of limitations for prostitution has expired.
Advocates say the legal system rarely holds pimps responsible for their role in prostitution, which is illegal in Illinois. Opponents predict prostitutes would abuse the right to sue -- by filing lawsuits against pimps they don't like, for instance.
Although the legislation is expected to pass, experts say it's unlikely that many lawmakers will sell tickets to related legal proceedings, which will undoubtedly be unruly and unbearably hilarious.
The Galleycats over at Mediabistro spilled the beans today on Penguin's plot to reclassify the paperback edition of James Frey's My Friend Leonard from memoir to fiction.
In case you don't remember, Frey is the poor bastard who created all that fuss when his bestselling first memoir, A Million Little Pieces, was exposed as a big fat pack of lies.
Great. So when should readers start looking for Tom Cruise, Star Jones, Martha Stewart, and Michael Jackson's biographies on the fiction shelf?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Oh, the horror
The Five Stages of Grief:
1. Denial (No, no, no. It's not real. It CAN'T be real.)
2. Anger (Collagen is for the lips, sir. For the LIPS!!!)
3. Bargaining (Please, make it stop. Just stop it. I'll do anything.)
4. Depression (Crying, with my head in my hands.)
5. Acceptance (And they say nature is cruel.)
The WOW Report has officially wow'd me. Go to their website to read the backstory and download this absolutely rancid video.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Focker?
Will wonders never cease?
Turns out Barbara Streisand's list of sexual conquests is as long and distinguished as her resume. Smug never would've pinned the funny girl for a big, bad ho.
A new and obviously unauthorized biography by Christopher Anderson reveals that the legendary singer/actress/director/man-eater has bedded A-list actors and world leaders alike, including Warren Beatty, Ryan O'Neal, Kris Kristofferson, Jon Voigt, Richard Gere, Omar Sharif, Peter Weller, Tommy Smothers Don Johnson, Prince Charles and former President Bill Clinton!
Damn. Babs must have a REALLY good personality.
Jessica Simpson needs to GO AWAY!
Someone needs to tell this girl that her fifteen minutes are up, and fast. If I read one more flagrantly self-promoting story about her dumb ass, and if--GOD HELP ME--I hear "These Bites are made for poppin'" one more time, I tell you I cannot be held accountable for my actions.
In a last ditch effort to prove to the world that she is not the waste of space, Simpson is exploring the possibility of adopting a child, according to a report in People Magazine this week.
"Nothing has been finalized yet," her publicist, Rob Shuter, told the Associated Press on Tuesday. He added, "It is true that she's exploring options."
The 25-year-old singer-actress, who filed for divorce from Nick Lachey last December, recently told TV's Extra: "I want to adopt, and I plan to adopt before I have my own kids.
She also said of a particularly well-known adoptive mother, "I think Angelina Jolie has done amazing, amazing things, and the international adoption rate just since her has skyrocketed. It's unbelievable."
Shuter said that for the past several years Simpson and her family have anonymously contributed money to various Mexican orphanages, and that Jessica was 11 years old when she visited her first orphanage with a church group.
All I can say is there better be a special place in hell for people like this.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Hippies, hippies. Happy, trippy.
Hippies are the shit. And this one looks like Ned Flanders.
Check out this mind-altering music video, complete with go-go dancers a la Pochahontas.
Chinese take out
The decision was fueled by recent controversy surrounding the deaths of eight Japanese patients, each of whom fell ill or died after receiving an organ transplant in China.
Voluntary donations fall far below the level of demand in China because of cultural biases against organ removal before burial. The resulting shortage has spawned a lucrative black market.
While talk of back-alley organ trades is always unsettling, I am somehow more disturbed by the uncanny resemblance between organ boxes and Chinese take-out containers. Very curious. Very curious, indeed.
Celebrity side show
CNN just got the memo
Monday, March 27, 2006
ABC is "Extremely" Shady
Apparently though, network execs believe that certain types of sickness, tragedy, and resilience are more deserving (or, perhaps just more entertaining) than others. According to an email obtained exclusively by The Smoking Gun, the popular home makeover show is jonesing for:
- Extraordinary Moms/Dads recently diagnosed with ALSBetter luck next season to autistics, recovering drug addicts, rape victims, and hermaphrodites. I guess cancer just doesn't cut the mustard anymore.
- Families who have a child w/PROGERIA (aka "little old man disease")
- Cases of congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, referred to as CIPA by the few people who know about it. (There are 17 known cases in US - let me know if one is in your town!) This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
- Muscular Dystrophy Children - amazing kids who are changing people's views about MD
- MADD/Drunk Driving - Famlies turn tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
- Families who have multiple children w/Down Syndrome (either adopted or biological)
- Amazing/loved Moms or Dads diagnosed w/melanoma/skin cancer
- Home Invasions - families robbed, houses messed up (vandalized) - kids fear safety in their homes now
- Victims of hate crimes, arson or severe vandalism
Love you babe. Like I love Fresca.
Mmmm, delicious Fresca. I know I used to drink it way back in the day, when I was a little nugget and pudding pops and jelly shoes were all the rage. But the relationship was shortlived. I soon moved on; I started drinking Diet Coke. All the girls were doing it. What can I say? I thought I was happy.
And what of Fresca? Did it sit alone, unloved, on the shelves all those years? Was it a casualty of the great soda wars of '95? Or did Americans just stop drinking it, like Tab and crystal-clear Pepsi? Whatever the case may be, Fresca is so totally back. I was reintroduced last summer, and have been drinking it like water ever since.
Which brings me back to my original point: Monday night cocktail hour. Get out your pencils and a pad of paper because Smug is about to share with you the secret of eternal life.
Vodka and Fresca.
Any vodka will do, though I am partial to the Goose; and any Fresca will do, though I suggest you start with the original. For those of you who have yet to try it, trust me. You won't be disappointed.
Incidentally, I've also rediscovered pudding pops. Also back on the market, yes, but not nearly as delicious as I remember them to be.
Boyfriend's back and I'm gonna be in trouble
Sad, but true.
More posts to come this evening to make up for it, I promise.
Hugs and kisses.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
No disrespect intended, but Smug couldn't resist.
Katie Holmes's belly looks like a gigantic tit, with a protruding nipple to boot. It makes one wonder what in fact she is carrying.
Perhaps she is not actually pregnant, but has sold her body to science to test the largest silicone implant ever developed.
That would also explain the irrational behavior.
Thanks to Dlisted for the pic.
Nugget of the Week
This week's Nugget of the Week is Don Hertzfeldt, animator extraordinaire.
His work is fantastic. His love life, not so much.
Check out his interpretation of the Life of a Guy if you think I'm kidding.
Marine Corps getting desperate
Sonia Goldstein was flattered by the nice recruiting letter asking her to consider becoming one of "the few, the proud." But at age 78, she believes she's just a little old to enlist in the U.S. Marine Corps.Plus, I heard she's a lesbian.
"I couldn't believe it," Goldstein told KCAL-TV on Friday. "My girls were sitting here . . . we were in hysterics, we laughed so hard."
The letter told her the corps could use her unique language skills, but also warned that life as a Marine would test her physical and mental abilities "beyond anything you've ever known."
"There I am with my walker. I can't maneuver from here to there without it," said Goldstein, who added that her only language is English.
"I'll do whatever I could for this wonderful country we live in," she said. "But you know, this is kind of stretching it a bit."
The Marines ordinarily recruit people 18 to 27, said Maj. Joseph Kloppel, a corps spokesman. He said the letter must have been sent by mistake.
"Seventy-eight is obviously too old," Kloppel added.
"My understanding is that he apologized, said he didn't mean it," Rice told Fox News Sunday. "I accept that because we all say things from time to time that we shouldn't say or didn't mean to say."
Very nice. Such compassion suggests she has had some experience dealing with the bane of poor public speaking skills.
Rice also took the opportunity to draw a few broader conclusions about the incident, which she believes is evidence that the "birth defect" of slavery infuses even mature democracies with racial tensions that take generations to heal.
More importantly, she added, she hopes the episode will inspire Americans to "be a little bit more humble" about the progress of emerging democracies, such as those in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Wait . . . what? Unless Americans have suddenly reappropriated the word "coon" to describe Afghanis and/or Iraqis, methinks I smell AGENDA here.
Nice try though, Condi.